A totally random and much lighter post!

Fish Killer: A Confessional

          Approximately nine or ten years ago on a warm Sunday afternoon, a tragedy occurred.  This is the story of the one I called "Mr. Fish."  He was a beautiful, vibrant, yellow guppy who unfortunately met an untimely death.  His death was the result of a murderous tank-cleaning rampage.  Here is my confession: 

          I had purchased Mr. Fish from a pet store in Apple Valley, Minnesota.  I had him for only two short months before I murdered him.  Along with purchasing Mr. Fish, I had unknowingly purchased the weapon used to end Mr. Fish's very existence.  Its sleek packaging disguised it as a "rock algae cleaner" that is supposedly safe to use while your fish are still in the tank.  I should sue for false advertisement (I wonder if the statute of limitations applies to murdered fish). 

          This is hard for me…but on that Sunday afternoon, the tank needed cleaning.  I took the torture device from its package and placed it in the tank with Mr. Fish.  Things were going along fine…for about a minute.  Then…In a homicidal fish rage, ok, not homicidal, Mr. Fish swam too close to the vacuumess fish killing device.  He was brutally sucked into the vacuum.  I immediately squeezed him back out of the vacuum, but it was too late!  He floated…in the wrong direction. 

          I immediately attempted to perform fishie mouth-to-mouth (ok not really, but I thought about it).  But it was too late for poor Mr. Fish.  A mere five seconds in the vacuum had robbed my treasured yellow guppy of his life.  I feel as though I have committed fish-slaughter in the second degree.  I should be in jail…or at least on probation.  No debt that I can pay to society can ever bring my Mr. Fish back.  I deserve to be punished for this injustice.  It should be a state law that no one who has ever sucked up Mr. Fish's in a vacuum shall ever be allowed to own a Mr. Fish again! 

          I also must confess that before Mr. Fish, I had Fred and Barney.  Mr. Fish was the replacement for these poor lost souls.  They probably died from a dirty tank. 

          As of today, I still do not own a guppy.  However, I have graduated to a 46 gallon tank, and I have lost fish, but I have not murdered any of them I promise. Any deaths have either been of natural causes, disease or humane euthanasia done by my significant other (I make her do it now). I clean the tank VERY carefully and use EXTREME caution (and unusually have adult supervision) to avoid any mishaps.  

   

           So my name is Chane and I am a fish murderess.  Ok well I was a fish murderess, now I'm not one so much anymore.

          You must know I told this story out of shear guilt of losing this particular fish, he was gorgeous, and I was thrilled at having my first tank.  I was distraught over killing this fish at the time and as you can tell, ten years later, I have never forgotten about that damn fish.  I hope you enjoyed my story.

Frustration and Anger

It must be not only be the onset of winter, but also the reality of my "new" normal that has sent me into a tail spin of frustration and anger this week.  I also suppose it could have to do with the fact that I have had migraines almost everyday, I have had lots of homework that I have not gotten caught up with. Missed assignments that I will not get points for and some minor slipping grades at school.  Now you must know for me getting a B in psychology is a big deal, this is the field I want to go into! And my grade keeps slipping further and further from the A I once had.  And frankly its pissing me off something fierce.  I missed points again today because of my lack of concentration, fatigue and general overall lack of memory lately.  I felt like such a dumb ass, and yet I didn't today because I cried in class, here I had missed 2 days of lecture notes so I was clueless on what was going on, and couldn't do the stupid in class activities and there for I lost 10 points.  This may not seem like a lot but in this class 10 points is trust me.
Anyway, THIS is unacceptable and totally out of my control at this point and I hate it!  And its all because of a disease called FMD.  Someone I love said to me one day recently "don't become this disease Chane" or "don't let this disease become you" something to that effect, shocking I can't remember the exact quote.  I do however remember replying "I won't", but as I sit here today stewing in my anger, I am thinking about that wondering about how can I not be my disease just a little bit?  Its inside me isn't it?  It affects me doesn't it?  It gets to control parts of my life doesn't it? It can kill me when it wants to can't it?  Sure I do get to make some choices, like life style changes that may and probable will prolong my life, but in the end wont this disease win anyway?  Now please this is not doomsday Chane writing here, I have NO desire not to fight for my life, I have way to much to live for, my children, my partner, my family and my friends.  But damn it I am angry and I am frustrated and I am scared.  Because I worry about all those things that I have to live for, if by chance this disease decides to take me sooner than later.

Comments and quick update

Okay, I think I fixed the problem with the comments.  I know a lot of you wanted to be able to post comments and were having trouble, but I re-did some settings and now you should be able to.  At least I hope so anyway. Let me know via facebook if you are still having trouble and I will keep working on it until I get it right.  BUT on that note thank you for trying I truly appreciate it.
Its been a week since my TIA, and I am feeling better, my leg is still sore from the damn angiogram.  Those things suck and for all my FMD sisters that have had to have them before me I am soooooo sorry for what you have gone through and for anyone non FMD brothers and sisters that have an angiogram, like my mama, I am sorry for you as well those things SUCK with a capitol SUCK.  My leg has pretty colors that I think I should have the paint people match some of colors in memory of this time I tell ya. Well not really I wanna for get this whole thing as guess what IT SUCKED.  Okay I've complained enough about that now.  I am still pretty tired, and the weakness on my left side is still there (sucky). I am thinking that I just may have to go through with the occupational therapy and what not. (double sucky) Otherwise, I'm fine, stressed about catching up with school from last week and getting back on track, which should be one of the least of my worries but I worked hard to get the grades I have and if I let them slip now that's a lot of money wasted if you ask me.  So I will just plug away trying to maintain status quo the best I can and take it one day at a time.
I wanted to give a special shout out to my BBFF and her family for helping us with the kids during my medical crisis last week.  Leanne for being there for me during all of this. My mom for taking care of me, my FMD sisters for being such great support and of course all of the rest of my family and friends that show me love and support during these down times.
Love you all!
Chane

Well that sucked!

 So, Sunday night my FMD decided to act up and I had a TIA.  I don't remember exactly all how it happened but I know I got a headache behind my left eye, my left arm went weak and weird, and thank gawd Leanne was there but I got pretty unsteady on my feet.  Well as it happened Leanne did say that my left side of my face did get kinda droopy especially my eye too. So with that I text my bbff and said I may need a ride to the hospital, and next thing I know she offered to take the kids and for once I didn't fight Leanne and went to the ER. 
  Once we got there I was still unsteady and they took me right back. I guess for once it was nice not to have to wait in the waiting room for 3-6 hours.  Anyway I guess my blood pressure was slightly elevated but not high which is good. But the next thing I know I was in a room, and they were putting in an IV and telling me I was going for a CT.  All I really remember is having to go to the bathroom and they wouldn't let me up, and I was mad. So I told them I would hold it until they would let me up and I did just that. They wanted to put a catheter in me... Hell and No is what I said to that! The other good thing was they gave me some shot to calm me down too I guess, I was pretty agitated about not being able to get up to go to the bathroom or anything else for that matter.  Next thing was an MRI/MRA and being admitted.  The rest is very fuzzy till the next late morning. 
  So on Monday I had an angiogram to determine if they could put stents in. All this time, I was told they couldn't do an angiogram and there was no possibility of stent or any other surgery because my dissection (on the right side) was too high up and it was too risky. And the left side was completed blocked and there was nothing they could do for that. Well. These new doctors think they know better. They wanted to do the angiogram to see how bad my carotids really are, but also to check on an area in my upper brain that had "slow blood flow." They didn't see any dissections in the upper brain on the MRI/MRA but they couldn't be sure.  And since they were in there doing this whole angiogram thing they asked Leanne to sign the consent form so they could do the part where they looked at my Celiac artery (the MALS) (they forgot to have me sign before they took me back).  Turns out I do have MALS and will have to face those decisions in the future as well.


  Finally today (Tuesday) I had a finally CT scan to check the blood flow (remember the top of the brain stuff) and everything looked good. So bottom line is I do not need a stent at this time, and they will only put stents in if it is a last resort and I have another TIA event like this last one. But the important thing here is they CAN do it if needed, whereas I was told before it was impossible.
  So now I am off to rest as I am beat up and tired.  Thank you for all the well wishes and thoughts and caring. And for those of you that didn't know before now please don't be offended that we didn't contact you personally its not personal its just hard to do for everyone.

Hurry up and wait....Grrr

  I wonder if nurses forget that patients have lives and families too?  So my appointment with Dr. Foley was today, and I get a call about 1pm saying can you come it early our computers are going to go down at 2.  I said sure but my appointment is at 3 does that mean I will have to wait for him until 3? Oh no, he will see you early... Yeah right, strike one Dr. Foley's nurse... I will not be coming in early next time no matter how nicely you ask ...Hurry up and wait is NOT my idea of a fun afternoon... So we sat waiting for over and hour and a half...  This is not good for someone with ADD like myself...FYI
Okay now that I have complained about that.  On to the juicy parts you all have been waiting for.  If you have never had your lipid-protein panel check, yet your doctor has told you your cholesterol is fine, he or she has probably lie to you (due to their lack of knowledge).  For years I have just been told to raise my good cholesterol and everything else is fine.  Not so says my new and I might add very HIGHLY trained and accredited Dr.  My risk for a cardiac event (heart attack)  by the time I am 60 is not only possible it is highly probable due to my insulin resistance and cholesterol.  At 37 years old I need to take medication, lose weight, and change my eating habits immediately to stem off this almost certain cloud of doom. Which of course I am going to do.  Who likes the thought of possibly dying around the age of 60?
I want all of my blog readers to either talk to their doctors about getting this test lipid protein test done or go to my doctor and have it done by him or her.  There is only one place in the country that does this test it is in North Carolina, and it takes 2 weeks to get the results back.  Please do not take the numbers your doctors give you for your cholesterol for gospel. 
So now as far as this Celiac artery business, along with Leanne and Dr. Foley we have decided that we need to check the GI route first instead of doing the risky angiogram and possible Celiac bypass if I do indeed have MALS(again its still probable but not confirmed).  And as far as the MALS unless the pain gets worse the weight loss is just helping with the cholesterol.  Do you get the same feeling I do, which is everything is a big ole catch 22 with me? And you should have seen him roll his eyes when I told him nobody would give me a colonoscopy, I assume that he has no issue with his facility poking this tube up my bung hole, I of course am just thrilled with this thought.  But hey at some point in my life I know my butt must be violated by the colon inspectors, might as well be now, geez whats one more test, Ive only had about 500 in less than a year. LOL
So this my loved ones is the news of the day. On you guessed it my lovely health saga.  Are you sick of it?  You know you guys could give a sister some feed back they have a comment section for a reason and only one person has used it thus far... speak up tell me if you would like me to continue or give more or less detail. Or just say hi and let me know your actually reading this...
Thanks for reading love to all. . night night time for me. Chane

A month later

  Well its been over a month and I have heard about my lack of updates, so for those of you that have said Chane I've been checking... This is for you...  And I want to say thank you, it means a lot to me that the people I love want to read my thoughts and keep on my happenings.
  Anyway, on the health front, I will say I have had more developments.  My newest doctor Dr. Foley (who I now see at Fairview Southdale) finally listened (when many other doctors of mine wouldn't) and scanned my abdomen area.  The CT that was done is highly suggestive of a syndrome called Median arcuate ligament syndrome or MALS for short. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Median_arcuate_ligament_syndrome Try this link if you would like more info on this. I also had a lot of blood work done and actually have an appointment with Dr. Foley tomorrow (Friday) to find out the results.  Back to the MALS, my choices with this and plan(s) have been and are this, first I was asked to go in for an ultra sound to see if they could confirm the diagnosis.  Unfortunately they couldn't with the ultra sound... BIG bummer.  So now I have to decide if I want to wait awhile and have an angiogram (a catheter thing up my artery in my leg that shoots dye at my celiac to see if i really do have MALS). Or skip that all together, which is probably not going to be an option as MALS is rare and cause all kinds of bad stuff too.  But if I do get the angiogram and I have MALS I have to then be willing to get a celiac bypass surgery.  And to be quite honest I am scared as hell and don't really know what to do.
  In other health related news, Mayo clinic is all they are cracked up to be, they just wanna send you to every doctor under the sun.. And I wonder why when they run blood test and send you the results and you have several that are abnormal NOT one person or doctor bothers to call you to say hey, maybe we should follow up with you cause you got some issues... SO yeah... Pretty sure I'm not very happy with them or the bill I am going to receive or the fact that I have gotten ZERO I mean ZERO help from them about my disease. Yet I see Dr. Foley once and all of the sudden I find out why i have lost 33 lbs and all it took was a scan which  I begged Mayo to give me, the 4 times I went.  Park Nichollet... they pretty much told me they wont treat me anylonger, because I have too vascular issues.  So there goes history I built with them over the last 6 years.
  So besides being scared and a bit lost right now I am actually doing well.  We will just have to see how Friday goes.  But my new motto: one day at a time, but still planning for my future like always!

Love to you all
Thank you for all the birthday wishes it was a fabulous day
Chane